Finding Joy During the Holidays

Why is finding joy so hard during the holidays? Well, let’s see…there’s the increased pressure and expectations from family. Grief from loss. Pain from past trauma. Anxiety from worrying. Stress from the never-ending to-do list. Exhaustion from all of it. Add the guilt and shame that tells us we “should” be enjoying “the most wonderful time of the year” and joy is a goner.  

Asking ourselves what, who, where and how often unlocks the secret to finding our joy.

Ask WHAT and WHO:

·      What and Who is making me feel increased pressure?

·      What and Who is making me feel sad and disconnected?

·      What and Who is causing me stress? 

Once we’re able to discover the answers to these questions, we can uncover where the lack of joy might be coming from.

Ask WHERE:

·      Where do I feel the most expectations?

·      Where do I feel the most anxious?

·      Where do I feel the most guilt and shame (hint: hearing “should”)?

Discovering where the feelings are showing up allows us to pause and determine whether our current path is taking us away from joy or moving us toward it. Setting realistic expectations, implementing empathy, and creating boundaries always does the latter.

Setting Realistic Expectations: This prevents the cycle of self-loathing, anger, sadness, and shame. For example, let’s say your mom makes passive aggressive comments about your parenting (or cooking, appearance, work, etc.) every time she visits. Before she visits, try saying to yourself, “I can fully expect Mom to make passive aggressive comments about my parenting.” Then, when she makes her comments, because you already knew they were coming, they sting less and stop you from going headfirst into a downward spiral. It will also allow you to be more empathetic to her and to yourself.

Implementing Empathy: When we’re able to put ourselves in another person’s shoes, we can remove ourselves from their “stuff.” That might sound like, “Mom, you feel frustrated by how I parent because it’s not the way you parented me. You’re worried I’m doing it wrong.” (Note: it is important to be empathetic AND hold the other person accountable for their behaviors.) The best part about implementing empathy for others is that it also allows for validation of our feelings. Try saying to yourself, “It makes sense that I feel angry and rejected when mom makes her comments. The truth is, it’s her stuff, it’s not about me.” Validating your feelings and seeking truth makes it much easier to create healthy boundaries.

Creating Boundaries: Boundaries are vital to connecting with your joy (see The Mom’s Space November article for more about boundary setting). With your mom, it might sound like, “Mom, it makes sense and is OK for you to feel frustrated because I don’t parent like you did. What is not OK is for you to criticize the way I parent. I’m doing the best I can.” Being gentle with ourselves it vital.

The reality is that, more often than not, we’ll fail at setting expectations, implementing empathy, and creating boundaries. And that’s OK. When it happens, instead of saying, “Ugh, I should have ___”, try saying, “It’s okay. I cannot expect myself to get it right all the time. I can try again.” This self-acceptance and self-love are the secret to opening the gateway to the path of joy. The joy is within us. Once we connect with it by considering what, who, where, and how, we give ourselves permission to pause, change course, and walk toward joy whomever we are with and in whatever we are doing, especially during the holidays.

MOLLIE GEE is a clinical mental health counselor, mother of two, and owner of The Nest Counseling.

Published and Copyrighted by Charlotte Parent Magazine December 2021

https://www.charlotteparent.com/the-moms-space-finding-joy-during-the-holidays/

Boundaries: Feeling Connection, Ease and Joy with Family During the Holidays

We’ve heard that boundaries allow us to love ourselves and others at the same time. Yet setting boundaries is arguably one of the hardest things to do, especially during the holidays. Pressures and expectations are at an all-time high, particularly when family is involved. We can easily slip into past behaviors and roles, many of which don’t align with who we are as adults. This can lead us to feel stuck, frustrated, and powerless. Fear of judgment and rejection creep in, and before we know it we start sacrificing what we want and need for the wants and needs of others. We end up feeling stressed, exhausted, and resentful. We start to loathe and dread being around our family during a time that is supposed to be the most enjoyable.

Setting appropriate boundaries allows us to feel the connection, ease, and joy with our family during the holidays, and we can set them in various ways. One way is how we talk to ourselves.

Appropriate boundaries might sound like:

·      My priorities are important

·      Taking care of myself is my most important priority

·      That comment or behavior is not about me

·      I am enough, just the way I am 

Another way to set appropriate boundaries is through behavior. This can include how we act toward ourselves and others.

Appropriate boundaries might look like:

·      Buying the food instead of cooking it

·      Kindly saying no to the party, staying home to relax and restore instead

·      Choosing not to prove or justify our decisions

·      Entering a situation with realistic expectations  

A quick way to know if we need to set a boundary is to ask ourselves, am I doing this because I feel obligated or because I want to? If the answer is out of obligation, a boundary likely needs to be set.

Choices from obligation feel:

·      Pressured

·      Anxious

·      Stressful

·      Frantic

Behaving from obligation leads to shame, pressure, and fear that tricks us into putting our wants and needs aside for someone else’s. (Hint: When we hear thoughts that we’re being selfish, a boundary needs to be set.) The result leaves us feeling defeated and taken advantage of. Resentment starts to grow and before we know it, we find ourselves disconnected, angry, and exhausted. What if instead of putting others’ needs before ours, we start to make choices from what we need and want?

Choices from wants feel:

·      Easy

·      Calm

·      Exciting

·      Settled 

Imagine if we consistently behaved from our wants. We would undoubtedly feel fulfilled because we are aligning with our priorities. It makes us easier to be around, and we become capable of showing up for others from our mature, aligned self instead of our past, perceived role. Before we know it, we are feeling connection, ease, and joy during the holidays.

P.S. If there is a family member who doesn’t agree with the choices we make from our wants, this could be a signal that our loved one may be stuck in their own fear and shame, or feeling obligated to meet certain expectations and pressures. Having empathy for their struggle (we get it!), setting realistic expectations (Yep, I expect mom to make a comment about my weight), while maintaining our boundaries gives our loved one permission to set boundaries from their wants. What better way to show love for ourselves and another at the same time!

MOLLIE GEE is a clinical mental health counselor, mother of two, and owner of The Nest Counseling.  

Published and Copyrighted by Charlotte Parent Magazine November 2021 

Grief and Loss: The Grieving Mom's Island

Please be gentle with me. It’s a phrase that encompasses what many of us grieving moms want from others and need from ourselves. Yet too much gets in the way, leaving us feeling overwhelmed, paralyzed, and alone. Perhaps this is you, or maybe a friend or someone you know who has experienced the loss of a child.

When a mother is grieving, we know the stages of grief, but what we don’t talk about is the guilt, shame, and blame that floods us. We also don’t talk about the increased pressure and expectations, or the tremendous fear and anxiety that drowns us after our child has died. Add this to the excruciating pain of our grief, and it’s no wonder we feel fragile, vulnerable, and exposed, longing to be treated with gentleness. It’s the reason we create an island.

This island becomes a safe place to hide and heal, away from the outside pressures and expectations of everyone telling us it’s going to be OK. As we try to distance ourselves from these pressures, thoughts that we’re doing something wrong slowly begin to creep in. Soon they become overwhelming and lead to increased guilt and worsening shame. We start to blame ourselves for failing our child. Everything begins to feel like it’s our fault, and our once safe and private island feels scary and lonely. Fear and anxiety take over. Naturally, we want to escape our island as fast as possible (this can look like distraction, numbing or anything that takes us away from feeling). Perhaps it is here, when we want to run the most, that we courageously return to our island instead.   

When we return to our island, maybe we give ourselves permission to:

·      Feel. Feel every feeling – they are valid, and need be felt so the pain moves through

·      Trust ourselves. We will know when it’s time to come back up from the black hole

·      Seek truth. Our thoughts might feel true, and they are not actually true

·      Fall apart. Remind ourselves that it’s OK to not be OK, be strong or to meet others’ expectations

·      Ask for support. Reach out to a trusted person whom we feel safe asking to visit our island

There may come a time when we need others to visit our island, but often we don’t know how to ask or what to say when they visit. We’re terrified, whether it’s out of fear of burdening them, fear of being judged and rejected, or simply because we’re scared. It takes tremendous courage to invite someone onto our island. The pain and fear likely won’t fully subside when they arrive, but when it’s the right visitor we feel seen, loved, and less alone.

 Consider a trustworthy visitor who will:

·      Enter without judgment

·      Listen. Really listen, without an agenda to help or fix

·      Feel comfortable talking about you and your child

·      Hold space for your rollercoaster of emotions

·      Consistently check in without the any expectations after they leave your island

If you’re invited to a grieving mom’s island, try to remember all of the above and treat her with love and gentleness. And if you’re a mother who is grieving and feeling overwhelmed, alone, and scared, give yourself permission to return to your island, and when you’re there, remember you’re going through a lot and that it’s OK to be gentle with yourself.

MOLLIE GEE is a clinical mental health counselor, mother of two, and owner of The Nest Counseling.

Published and Copyrighted by Charlotte Parent Magazine October 2021

https://www.charlotteparent.com/the-moms-space-the-grieving-moms-island/

Consistency: Putting Your Cape Back On

Here we are. Back to school. As we transition from the ease of the summer to the stress of the school year, many moms feel motivated. Their Consistency Capes are tied tight. Others feel overwhelmed, exhausted, or panicked their Consistency Capes will become untied. In reality, many of us feel both hopeful and anxious at the start of the school year, empowered to keep our Capes on while simultaneously worried they’ll fall off at any moment.

We hear so much about how to be consistent, but we rarely hear about what to do when our Consistency Capes fall off. They will always fall off. We are human. So, what if it’s not about how to keep our Capes on, but how to put them back on when they fall?The Three C’s, Conversation, Choice and Change, are the key. To effectively implement them, we need to first realize when our Consistency Capes are off.

When our Consistency Capes are OFF, we:

• Worry about what others think

• Seek external validation

• Judge ourselves and others

• Lack the ability to be resilient and persevere

• Have difficulty setting and maintaining healthy boundaries

• Put others’ needs before our own

All of these can lead to guilt, anxiousness, powerlessness, exhaustion, anger, and disconnect. We blame and shame ourselves (hint: if you are hearing “should,” you are hearing shame), and have thoughts telling us we are a disappointment, a failure, and/or not good enough. Inevitably, self-sabotaging behaviors ensue: withdrawing, numbing, perfecting, resenting, lashing out, and giving up. Our Capes fall off.

The secret to putting our Consistency Capes back on is having a Conversation with ourselves. During this conversation we have to be honest about where our thoughts are coming from, validate our feelings, and hold ourselves accountable for our behavior. This Conversation determines the Choice we want to make by asking ourselves:

• What do I need right now?

• What do I need to take off of my plate?

• What do I want to prioritize?

• What realistic expectations do I need to set for myself and others?

• What would I tell my best friend in the same situation?

The answers to these questions allow us to connect with our authentic self (who we really are, not who everyone else wants and expects us to be) and initiate the Change necessary to put our Consistency Capes back on.

Consider these to empower your authentic self:

• My feelings are valid and make sense

• I can trust myself to make the changes I want and need

• I am worth speaking to myself like I would to my best friend

• Saying “wish” or “want” instead of “should”

When we implement The Three C’s by having a Conversation with ourselves that is kind, accepting, and honest we are able to make Choices that empower Change. Before we know it, our Capes are back on and we can:

• Trust ourselves and others

• Regain motivation, control, and consistency

• Feel confident, capable, and resilient

• Effectively fulfill wants and needs for self and others

• Seek internal validation

• Set appropriate and healthy boundaries

• Feel more present, patient, and connected

It can be really hard to keep our Capes on day in and day out. They will fall off. And that’s okay. Maybe next time you notice your Cape is off, you can remember The Three C’s and give yourself permission to have a Conversation, make the Choices you want and need, and feel empowered to Change, not because your Consistency Cape is on, but because you had the courage to put it back on.

MOLLIE GEE is a clinical mental health counselor, mother of two, and owner of The Nest Counseling.

Published and copyrighted by Charlotte Parent Magazine 2021

https://www.charlotteparent.com/the-moms-space-putting-your-cape-back-on/